Frank: "I was honored last year to be selected as a
judge at a chile cook-off. The original person called in sick at the
last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's table
asking for directions to the Coors Light beer truck, when the call came
in. I was assured by the other two judges (native New Mexicans) that the
chile wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
Here are the scorecards from the event: Frank is
Judge #3.
Chile # 1 - Eddie's Maniac Monster Chile...
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato.
Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 -- (Frank) What the hell is this stuff?!
You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to
put out the flames. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are
crazy.
Chile # 2 - Otero County’s Afterburner Chile...
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight
jalapeño tang.
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor; needs more peppers
to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children.
I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off
two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush
in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
Chile # 3 - Renaldo's Famous Barn Burner Chile...
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 -- A beanless chile, a bit salty, good use
of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium
spill... My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows
the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me
on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm
getting pie-eyed from all of the beer...
Chile # 4 - Dave's Black Magic..
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice.
Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good
side dish for fish, or other mild foods; not much of a chile.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my
tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste
buds? Olga, the barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills.
That 300-lb. woman is starting to look good...just like this nuclear
waste I'm eating! Is chile an aphrodisiac?
Chile # 5 - Laticia's Lip Licker...
Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chile. Cayenne peppers
freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 -- Chile using shredded beef, could use
more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring
off my forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes. I passed wind and
four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended
when I told her that her chile had given me brain damage. Olga saved my
tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I
wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticked me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming about those insane rednecks.
Chile # 6 - Pam's Very Vegetarian Variety...
Judge # 1 -- Thin, yet bold vegetarian variety chile.
Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers,
onions, and garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe
filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I did more than passing wind and
I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to
stand behind me except Olga. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe
my rear-end with a snow cone.
Chile # 7 - Renata's Rapture...
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chile with too much reliance
on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho-hum; tastes as if the chef literally
threw in a can of chile peppers at the last moment. **I should take note
that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of
distress, as he is cursing uncontrollably.**
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth,
pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye,
and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is
covered with chile which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are
full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll
know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing -- it's too painful.
To hell with it; I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll
just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chile # 8 - Tony's Soothing Serrano Chile...
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chile. Not too bold, but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chile. Neither
mild, nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge # 3
broke wind, passed out, fell over, and pulled the chile pot down on top
of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor fella, wonder how
he'd have reacted to hot chile?
